Being a Woman

Being a Woman

There is a lump
Stuck in my throat
It can’t be removed
Surgically
It just stays there
Just like the abyss
In my heart or perhaps brain
I keep sinking into
A free fall
With no rock bottom
With no voice
To scream for rescue
Not sure whether
There is a rescue team
As neither my internal abyss
Nor lump in my throat
Is visible or audible
That’s what it is
For most women
I am told
You learn to stay afloat
Put a brave front
And you scream internally
Without letting out a whimper
You accept praises and criticisms
Whatever comes your way
You assume you have a purpose
Or a role
Until you decide to step away
From the roleplays
To realise
You are invisible too
The world never sees you as a person
But rather as a wife or mother or sister
You step away
And you are reduced to a nobody
How liberating is that!!
They care only till you care
You like a fool kept caring
Letting them humiliate
The Law of reciprocity
Is always learnt a hard way
But apply it
Just like everyone does
In every other sphere
You will see
What you hold together
Collapses as a pack of cards
And then you realise
The cards were rigged
With misogyny
To remain as an object or
As a person with lump
In the throat
And Abyss in the heart
To sink without a sound

Step and snap out now
Out of the roleplay
To find your own voice
And your sense of balance
You will be visible
To those who want to see you
Rest do not matter
At least you will be visible
To your damned self

In that damn mirror!

Image courtesy: Anuran Kar Gupta, Physics researcher based in Paris

Cyclonic Storms

Winds are raging
Cyclonic winds
I hear glass panes shatter
All kinds of sounds
Brought in by the winds

A cyclonic storm
Gathered over days
Inched closer and closer
Then came the landfall, high tide
And the high speed winds

Aftermath is still unknown
We can only hear the sounds
Morning light will reveal
The destruction over the night
When the cyclone struck

It’s a tale of two cursed lands
Year after year
We pray to be spared
Without realising if not us,
It’s gonna be them

27th May 2024

Time That Is Now

On somedays
I just wish to
Leave myself behind
Walking in some bookshop
Or in a forest
Or climbing a hill
Be someone with no plan
At a crossroad

On other days
I just race ahead
Trying to find myself
In unseen future
Maybe still
Walking into bookshop
Or being in a forest
Unable to climb that hill perhaps

But I just can’t find or place myself
In the chaotic present
Where fear looms large
The past is receding faster
red shifting perhaps
And the future seems
To be taking forever to arrive
Maybe blue shifting on its way

Out of sync
Or perhaps out of breath
I glance back and ahead
Avoiding to look into the eye
Of the present that looms large
Will it devour us?
Time that is now

Storm

There bellows a strong wind
A storm arrives from strange lands
Just to irrevocably change
Everything that is and will be

Overnight it sweeps away
The cobwebs of Time
Changes the entire
Landscape of survival

There is no way to stop
The raging winds, tides
Lightning or the rains
No way to lock it all away

Change becomes eternal
Certainties uncertain
Life transforms
For better or worse

What remains same
Are dawns and the dusks
Motion of the planet
And yearnings of a heart

There is no going back
To recreate what it was
One that did not withstand
The winds and the storm

Yet condemned to hope
And dream
We sail our ships
Trusting oceans of Time

Musings on Love

Death of loved one 
Is difficult to endure
But death of love itself
Is impossible to accept 

At times
Just like a bird
It simply flies away 
No reasons given 

For some death of love 
Is slow and painful
Resentment just grows
Like cancer

For others it is a sudden death
Heart simply stops beating
For the other
It leaves behind a void 
A wasteland of promises

Love may seem a gift
A burden, a nostalgia 
A baggage or a lesson
Just like life itself

Love can grow at unusual places
It can grow roots
In most hostile ground
And bloom like a wild flower

Love is a life breath
Breathe it in 
As long as it lasts 
Cherish the illusion
  
It often brews a storm 
Out of mere flapping of
A colourful butterflies
On a lazy afternoon
 
Just like a storm 
It rages and ravages 
Dazzles with rain
Light, colours and rainbows 

For those who claim forever
It becomes a habit
A known rhythm of heart 
That resonates 
Till the vibes lasts

Then there is that rare Love
Whose beauty lies in its brevity
Whose grave you build within
Which gives you strength 
To endure its passing 

Hate stands no chance
In comparison 
Love lurks in nooks and corners
In that gentle pat 
Love has life's back

If Dead Could Speak

If dead could speak
I wonder what would they say
To every
'Rest in Peace' 

They gasped for breath
They waited for beds
They trusted
They hoped

They left behind
Mounting sorrows
And bills 
And plans
And dreams 

They simply got erased
Without farewells
They got dumped
They got duped 

Don't ever think
They are 
Resting in Peace

If dead could rise
From the ashes
And graves
And rivers
They would certainly
Rise in rage

Storm and Me

The storm has abated

Did what it can
Shattered my existence
Where do I begin?
How do I pick these pieces?
There is no ground
Under the feet
It’s all water
The roof over my head
Has blown off
Whatever I held close
Simply floated away
Some with water
Other with the wind
How do I get my life back?
How do I prove I am me?
How do I show?
Where my mud house stood?

It’s all gone
Either with water
Or with the wind
Did you hear howling winds?
Did you see the waves rise?
Those uprooted trees?
My uprooted life?
No, you wouldn’t notice
You were all locked in
Blind and deaf
Till they cleared it all
There is no sign left
Of howling winds
Of broken homes
Of my lost past
I too ask
Am I me?

amphan #cycloneamphan