A Hot Summer Afternoon In Uru

Uru in kannada means ‘town/village/native place’. It turns out that I have experienced extreme summers in multiple major cities/towns of India.So I really don’t know which place I belong to whenever I think of hot summers.

My ancestors lived in the arid plateau of North Karnataka, I was born and brought up in Bombay. But every summer holidays we went to my grandparents place till we stopped going and they moved on. So hot summer afternoons were spent listening to my grandma’s tales from scriptures, playing with siblings and cousins till native homes were around. So did that place stop being my Uru? I really don’t know. 

Then there were summers spent in Bombay in various suburbs. Mangoes and playtime dominate the memories. Also reading the few books we had again and again. Postponing all studies and homework till the holidays ended. The school reopening often coincided with the onset of monsoons.

Then I have been in other Urus looking for shade in the hot summer afternoon, thirsty sojourns and all yummy Rasnas and Ruh Afzaas to quench the thirst. The west of India has its own charm. Officially summer ended with watching monsoon on marine drive (not very far from the hospital where I was born).

I often wonder did the sea breeze kiss me in that cradle room before others did? I feel more like a wild nomadic kind who loves nature, seas, hills and starry nights. And most of all the evening breezes which come from nowhere to caress you at the end of a tiring day.

Like Kamala Das, I am digressing, I am from many places and have found unexpected twists and turns in life all the while searching for myself and trying to make peace with the void within. Love came and passed, like it always does – just like summer.

I am envious when flowers bloom, trees bear mangoes and other fruits while we face sweltering heat. I always thought, I am not a summer person.

And then one summer I found myself dirt poor in Paris with my young son. We rationed to afford a gelato but we splurged on a TGV ride. We thought it was going to be the only summer of our lifetimes spent in Lyon and Paris. But then that wasn’t to be…

Little did I imagine my boy would move there and I would move cities – another Uru and will be living by myself waiting for summer break to catch my breath. Listening to my son complain about unbearable heat in Paris and him wanting to be in my Uru to escape the heat.

Dystopian times indeed…summers are strange in any uru – any town – native or non native towns, be it here or in Europe. But then one can find kindness lurking in shadows in the hot cruel summer heat. I shifted to Uru two summers ago and found immense kindness in the city that had completely changed.

And then one fine day, in a cab ride, I found my playlist which resonated completely with my state of mind. Little did I imagine that I would be writing this prose poem while waiting for the live concert of same soulful songs to begin. Summer does spring surprises while springs often go summer!!

Trust and Love

Trust and Love

The kitten ran
Helter skelter
Scared, very scared
Neighborhood kids
Tried to reason with it
But it was too small
Full of fear
Confused maybe
Maybe it felt attacked
While actually it was
Being rescued

Rescuers didn’t earn
Its trust perhaps
But they were sure
It ought to trust them
The more they tried
Befriending it
More it shrank
Into the shadows

Lessons in trust
Are most difficult
To learn
It’s a language
It’s an action
That promises safety
Both sides need to be
Calm and patient
To set this dialogue stage
On safe middle grounds

What is the language of trust?
What is the language of love?
No one teaches these
We are supposed to learn them
Context, syntax and meaning
Most often we learn the hard way
After the trust is broken
And love breaks the trust

In that darkness
Tiny kitten couldn’t see
Trust or love in the eyes
While everyone saw
Fear in its eyes
When they backed off
It ran for its life
Away from the life
It took a while
For it to return
To this game of
Hide and seek again

Maybe it will survive
Maybe it won’t
Depends on what lurks
In the darkness
One can only hope
It finds its way to
To the bowl of milk
Waiting for it
Food often builds trust
So does tender care

Tenderness is rare
No one teaches us that too
Knowingly, unknowingly
It comes our way
Like the gentle breeze
That helps us breathe

Love can be suffocating
It can smother and kill
What it pretends to protect
While trying to control
We never try to understand
Children’s language
Instead we expect them
To comprehend ours

Children too run
Helter skelter
With fear in the eyes
Unsure why
Mistrust masquerades
As trust
And anger as love
Like Pavlov’s subjects
Why does it all
Have to be reward
Or punishment?

When will we learn
To back off?
And wait patiently
With food and trust
On the table
And tender love in
Our hearts?

#WorldMentalHealthDay2025

A Place Called Home

For some it’s a place to return to

For some it is a place to escape from

For some it is a place they cannot return

And for some it is a place they cannot escape

A Place Called Home

That illusive space in time

Where we think we belong

The place to fight for

Or die for

A Place where we wake up

And go to sleep

A space where we thrive

It becomes an identity

Pride and asset

A place called Home

Yet it doesn’t take much

To tear it down

The home of your childhood

Or to lose it to the occupiers

Who too think it is theirs

A Place Called Home

Wars are fought and lost

A lifetime is spent as refugee

What remains is in our memories

And in imagination that illusive space

A Place called Home

Where I am me

Unapologetic me

A place where we can be

Let alone in peace

To go on with our daily drudgery

Watch our flowers bloom

While I looked for it

A place called Home

I didn’t realise

I was home within me 

On this planet 

Which is our home

We often fail to protect 

While fighting to save our idea 

Of a place called Home 

Boulders

Gambling away
One’s own life
Taking risks
Leap of faiths
Seeking
The unknown  

But gambling away
Others lives?
Especially our children’s
Thinking we own it
Is always dangerous
And wrong 

A young aspirant
Gave up
So did the other and another
Fathers said
Fans need to be banned
Anti suicide device
Need to be checked

Let us control
All the factors
Look for loopholes
The peripherals
While avoiding
The truth

Sisyphus facing the
Heaviest boulders
Dared to pause
And not push
Not realising
It is not a choice
He or she had

Who decides
Size of the boulder?
Boulder of expectations
We unwittingly
Force our kids
To inherit

Boulders
Which crush them
Then we call them
Idiots who quit
We look for others
To blame
For our collective shame

Perhaps
It is the time
To imagine
Our young Sisyphus
Unhappy
With boulders and crucifixes
Of our expectations

– Jan 2025

A Tale of Family Decadence

One of the traumatic memories that keeps coming back and has shaped me in many ways is appearance of this man in rags, with knotted hair, unbearable stench emanating from him, teeth all stained, barefoot at our garden door. I was out, as always, playing in the garden, when I heard someone knocking at the door and the moment I opened, there he was – a sheer horror to behold.

First I thought he was a beggar, asking for food and alms but he called out my mother’s nick name which only family circle of Bijapur knew. I ran inside to call her in shock as familiarity struck the moment I heard his voice. He was the man I didn’t like much since childhood as he always pinched my cheeks hard and teased me. He was always this flamboyant dark glass wearing wannabe hero kind.

Could it be him? My elder uncle who had gone missing after bringing down fortune and business built by my Nana? Questions were many and my heart was pounding till my mother came out and confirmed my doubt. I was hiding behind her and taking a sneak look at him in utter shock.

Now there was a moral dilemma – to let him in or not? My father was alway at his long distant job location. My mother instinctively wanted to slam door on his face with anger but then he started sobbing and pleading. Literally, the erstwhile angry young hero was begging for mercy and help.

My elder siblings were dispatched to send off couple of telegrams, one to my father to return immediately. He was given a bath, fresh clothes and a barber was called in to cut his locks. He was in a daze and looked almost lost. He didn’t even look into anyone’s eye. Like Kafka’s creature he seemed to have undergone metamorphosis – that’s what money, freedom and bad company does to a person, I was told. He was very ill and it was a daunting task to keep the room he was in sanitized and stench-free. Soon my Appa arrived and they took him to a renowned hospital.

What I got was only updates after that. His wife who he had abandoned had returned to his side to nurse him. His son was at his maternal home. My mother’s side was justifiably angry. This person had squandered off my Nana’s earnings, his antiques, personal museum, his honour and had disappeared leaving his mother and younger brother in penury. They had to sell off beautiful furnitures and move out with bare minimum essentials to a kind doctor’s garage-room – a move to one single room from a mansion must have been traumatic.

Well, coming back to our anti-hero. He needed rehabilitation and care. He was in hospital for months. He soon regained his charming persona and doctors who were treating him gave him a small job offer. In short his rehabilitation was a success.

They rented a small room in Ulhasnagar itself. Again, I was the only one who frequented it to meet my elder aunt. She too started working to make ends meet in a nearby hosiery factory(there was no dearth of those in Ulhasnagar). I went during day time to avoid meeting my uncle. I feared him, pitied him, but I still admired the way he was recovering. I understood he wasn’t trustworthy.

Maybe I admired his wife more than him. My mother, his wife – both could have turned him away or gone to the cops. They had legitimate grounds too – a case of cheating, fraud certainly. But grudgingly my Aai did what she could to help him recover and then told him straight – not to ever visit her. He kept the word. His wife was more magnanimous, she didn’t leave his side.

We left Ulhasnagar soon after. When I bid my Mami farewell, I couldn’t give her the forward address. He had not only been legally disowned long time back but emotionally disowned too.

I don’t know if he ever wanted to be in touch. I am told he is still in the same vocation attached with the hospital. I didn’t try to find him. He simply has strewn away parts of the puzzle I am trying to piece together – life of my Nana – his photographs, his antique collections. It all literally went up in the smoke and was downed with liquor I guess.

There has been a psychiatric diagnosis that explained partly why he indulged and couldn’t return home but one can’t deny the fact that he chose to indulge carelessly and irresponsibly. I often think, was it the tourists who came to visit Bijapur who gave him a reason to indulge and splurge? Was it a spin-off which Nana did not factor in?

It all happened long after Nana passed away, yet everyone I speak to, blames Nana for not being strict with his wayward son, lacking in business acumen etc. But then a creative photographer who followed Mahatma Gandhi around the country and was totally into conserving deccan cultural heritage, how could he be a full time watchful father?

Unfortunately, family wealth, heirloom and mental health of my mother and other family members never recovered. It remained an unprocessed trauma and we went on to inherit it partly.

I always considered alcohol and drugs as the true enemy. Though in social gatherings I did sip but fear always loomed large – what if ? That ragged man at the doorstep is still my most real worst nightmare.

Random Musings

Yet another new year
Is back with the old baggage
Of fears and cautions
Prejudices and bigotry
Lurking shadows of
Diseases and death

They tell us
To hang on
To seek hope in
Science and prayers
Look for silver linings
And healings
Lost love
And musings

While prejudice kills peace,
And pride our compassion
While hate spreads
Like wildfire
Our comforts get
Traded and sold

While we lose our voice
And rights
Like Jesus
Or phoenix
Maybe they will rise
Just like balloons
Filled with their breath

Those little street urchins
They bear testimony of
Our collective failures,
Our naked emperors
Maybe their balloons display
Everyone’s lost smiles!!

#2022

Time Portal

Time portal

On some days I wish
Time portal did exist
Just a familiar knock
Would lead me to its door
To another time, another space

More than the Time,
I miss the familiar spaces
With loving faces and embraces
That are forever lost

I wish to go back to a time
To enjoy long walks with my father
Have ice creams with my mother
Or to get into arguments
With my grandmother
about ungodly behaviour of gods
(While savouring her ladoos)

I wish I could go back
To just be a naughty giggling
back-bencher in school
Or climb those Sahyadri hills yet again
To reach dilapidated fort premises
Just to lie on my back
Under open night dark sky
Beholding the starry night

Or maybe go back to a time
to be held
In a long tight embrace
by my very special little nephew
His eyes conveying fears
And a promise that
he would always
Be there to hold me tight
Wish he could return
Through that portal door
To me yet again

Sometimes dreams
become that portal
They take me back to time
That’s when I wish
I don’t wake up
To this hideous reality
Of an unsafe world
That teaches us
Only to doubt, fear and judge

I wish there existed a Time portal
And a familiar knock would lead me
To another world
Another time and space
Where I could be me
Throwing all cautions to the wind
Embracing or being embraced
By those I have forever lost

The Day My Heart Literally Ached…

It was the usual Friday evening. Last school meeting of the day had ended well. I had planned to watch another online event. My son had ordered his favourite food. The weekend mood was setting in…

Suddenly, I felt an ache near the left rib cage. I thought I had sprained my back so I tried lying down straight. The ache intensified. By then the food had arrived so I ignored the pain like I usually do and joined my son. But after a while I couldn’t sit on chair. The pain had started radiating outwards. I drank water, tried lying down. I tried taking deep breath but every breath became hurtful. Both while inhaling and exhaling it was hurting. I couldn’t cough or yawn without pain. I felt a sharp squeeze followed by radiating pain. It was coming in waves. Each one more painful than the other. Finally we dialled our local physician’s number. I couldn’t stand or walk without holding my left side. Our physician immediately asked us to visit his clinic as the pain was on left side, he wanted to keep the option of ECG open.

We don’t own a car, I couldn’t walk. So finally a known rickshaw driver took us to the clinic which was full of patients waiting for their turn. I had stepped out of the bubble during the Covid times and was in a crowded clinic which should have alarmed me in normal times but pain overwhelmed all my senses. I just longed for relief. Doctor immediately arranged for ECG but lying down was a big challenge as I was bending and holding my left side tightly as though trying to stop the next wave of radiating pain. Nevertheless we managed the ECG which my physician red flagged immediately. He was clear the pain was coming from heart muscles but it wasn’t an heart attack. He assured me I would be fine till I reached any hospital emergency. He arranged for an emergency pill to be kept under the tongue.

I was to be moved immediately to hospital emergency so phone calls were made to a cousin with hospital contacts. We didn’t have time to pick up important documents so my son decided to sprint back home to coordinate further over phone. Multiple ubers were booked hoping one of it would reach to us faster. Just while waiting on the pavement for uber, my world started blacking out. My son held me tight and kept whispering that it is not an heart attack or failure, I just need to breathe and be strong. Fellow patients waiting near the clinic found a place for me to sit till black out passed. Finally the uber came. I was eager to reach the hospital emergency just to get relief from the squeezing pain which was constantly intensifying. But we didn’t realise there were multiple centres of the same hospital. So while in pain and blur I had to change the location as I was the only techno savvy one.

Also somewhere my mind was telling me to inform school incase I didn’t return in time for online classes on Monday. Mentally, I was preparing for the worst case scenario. Thankfully, as expected I received complete support from my school. I was told strictly to focus on diagnosis and recovery.

We reached the emergency of one of the upcoming elite hospitals and the second ECG was done. It didn’t look alarming to resident doctors. The emergency staff thanks to our cousin’s known contact didn’t ask for any advance payment, document filling etc. They prepped me for intravenous drugs to relieve me from the pain but when I showed my drug allergy history they decided to do an allergy patch test. The results were disappointing so it was decided to go with oral painkillers and nebulizer as I still couldn’t breathe without debilitating pain. There wasn’t much they could do. They did a third ECG. Since two subsequent ECGs looked safe they decided to discharge me with a suggestion to meet either cardiologist or pulmonologist next day immediately. Opoid painkillers were prescribed to give some relief at night. There was no uber available at midnight so finally our friend came to our aid.

The opoid painkillers gave me relief only for couple of hours. Again I was restless and in terrible pain. Thanks our cousin we got a consultation with a renowned senior cardiologist in another renowned hospital. He heard me out and prescribed further tests along with two 1/2 medicines. He assured me by Monday I would be okay. Rest of the morning till late afternoon went in tests. Once again another friend stepped in with food and car to help us cope. Meanwhile my brave son was writing his end of semester exams while worrying about me.

Most funny part was, right from Friday to the next day whoever I met, including the person who drew my blood kept asking me what did I eat implying that the pain was due to gas, acidity or constipation. I now recollect similar culture shock that I had felt when I had travelled in local train in Kolkata for the first time. Most vendors here sell all kinds of alternative medicine to give relief from good old three maladies – gas, acidity and constipation. The fact that I was asthmatic didn’t matter, the fact that none of the doctors had asked me even once about my eating habits or constipation did not matter. All seemed convinced what I was suffering from indigestion (some still are).

Thankfully tests did not show anything alarming. I met the senior cardiologist again (who again did not ask me about my meal gaps or digestion issues). He once again assured me I would be fine with those two half tablets by Monday for my online classes. One of the two tablets is related to Angina pain and other is of anti-anxiety. I need to continue them for three months. If there is a repeat of the episode then I will need an cardio-angiogram. Again none of the medicines are for indigestion and they both have worked miraculously. I am grateful to all medical staff who are working tirelessly and handling all kinds of cases.

There is a little discomfort and mild pain but squeeze and radiating spasm is gone. Whenever people call me up out of concern they invariably caution me about indigestion. I guess that has to do something with this land of foodies. I am yet to find another city which takes food and digestion so seriously. No wonder Piku, the film was made by a Bengali director. I feel bad about all those train vendors who make a living out of selling little magic digestive potions – churans, amlaki etc. I wonder how they are making their ends meet in the lockdown. Also I wonder, how commuters are stocking up their favourite digestives these days.

My only caution to all Bengali friends is that please don’t mistake any heart region pain for gas, acidity or indigestion. It could be more serious and dangerous. Any debilitating pain requires proper investigation and intervention.

My final diagnosis says unspecified chest pain with indication of Angina and lockdown related anxiety. Doctor did mention such cases are rising globally. A friend has looked up and found out that my symptoms and line of treatment resembles ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’ also known as Takotsumo Cardiomyopathy – cases of which are on the rise during the pandemic. This syndrome mainly affects women above 50 when the stress relieving hormones fail to regulate.

I am yet to suffer from Covid 19 but the pandemic, suffering and death of people in known circles and at large and India’s gross mishandling of the second wave probably has literally and medically affected me and many others – literally has broken our hearts.

The built up of stress due to humiliation, failures, disappointments, deaths, loss and grief happens over time since birth but probably nothing stunned my heart like the present pandemic situation – it is claustrophobic to be stuck in the present and future is a distant blur.

Whatever it is, I hope is temporary. My ache will probably heal and once again I hope, I will walk with sunshine and camera on my shoulders.

Bare Foot Joy

Making, flying and chasing paper kites

Bare foot

Running across the crowded streets

They seem to soar just like the kites

Kite runners look happy

Across continents their joy is same

For the moment

They are free just like their kites

Riding on the lightness of the moment

They behold pure joy

The joy that eludes

The boy across the street

Sitting in the car

Staring through the glass window

He is a prisoner of luxuries

While poverty has set others free

They run like wind

Through narrow lanes

They hop across building roof tops

While the other stays glued

To the smart phone screen

Sun kissed

Blessed by the evening breeze

Our kite runners seize the moment!

Ah! the bare foot joy

That eludes the little boy!